This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
