This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
