Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
