worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
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you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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