You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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