i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
