dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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