God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
