Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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