Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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