im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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