I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
love makes seman taste better
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
