Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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