I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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