Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
