The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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