I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.