He uses pillows to masturbate.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
