you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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