I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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