the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
