I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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