I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
