I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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