I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize