Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
worst night to have a conscience
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
