If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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