is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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