I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
