your thong is hanging out like whoa
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
