The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
