He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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