Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
