so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...