I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.