Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈