After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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