I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize