Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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