saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
