life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
