Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
