Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
