This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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