Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
