I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
