1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
