I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
