I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
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So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
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YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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