I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
