She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
