You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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