wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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