I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
thus making me awesome and them whores
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
