my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
